The Sum of all Fears

Well, it was inevitable...I'm staring down the rabbit hole once again regarding Kolton's development.  Friday I met with a group of people from the school system to discuss my concerns and explain some of the history of his behavior.  It was concluded that he should be evaluated across all areas.  As I was leaving the school psychologist thrust a parental observation survey  in my hands.  "This helps us to determine if he has Autism"  she said.  "From what you told us, he is displaying some signs."  I wish I would have kept my mouth shut!!!!

Since then, I have been obsessed with reading each question and trying to convince myself that he doesn't have it.  But truth be told he does, in fact, display some symptoms.  More specifically...

1) Obsessed with things that spin

2)  Lack of speech-however he does communicate with gestures and points.

3)  Does not pretend play

4)  Becomes irritated by fabrics or tags

5)  Flaps arms when excited

I justify that some of these things are just normal 2 year old behaviors.  I'm sure there are plenty of normal two year olds out there that have thrown a fit over not wanting to get dressed.  And without the presence of dolls in the house how does a toddler boy pretend play?  He doesn't always flap his arms, sometimes he dances.  Then I cling to the fact that he is very loving, makes eye contact, smiles appropriately, seems interested in others, and responds to his name.  Does having these five symptoms equal an Autism diagnosis?

I've been thinking a lot about what I'm afraid of with all this.  Am I afraid I will love my son any less?  HELL NO!  Am I afraid of the work that might be involved on my end?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!    Am I afraid he won't be able to be a doctor, lawyer, politician, etc?  NOT REALLY

I think what it boils down to is I'm afraid he won't be socially accepted.  Today's youth can be so cruel.  I'm afraid he will be bullied for his short comings and that I'm sending him down that path.  I wonder though; now that Autism and other Autism spectrum disorders are more frequently diagnosed if there won't be such a stigma attached to needing special help like there was when I was growing up.  I certainly hope so.  I hope I'm not offending anyone with my ramblings.  I'm just trying to work through my feelings.

So to end on a positive note.  The weather in Richmond has been terrific!  And Kolton has shown a real preference for being outdoors.